imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
britain’s three elite institutions
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot