Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter