12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
calling in to work dehydrated
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Autocarrot sucks!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’m sorry…what?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.