[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware