Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.