That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*seductively corrects your posture*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
m’lady
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE