There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
You Might Also Like
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Said the murderer.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.