I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*praying for world peace*
God:
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Is….Is this an option?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Okay, I’m still confused…