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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Why are bridges so flammable.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Called it
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.