me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
You Might Also Like
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”