the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Peace was never an option
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.