Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
when mom throws a party…
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”