So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.