[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc