People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.