Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way