When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.