*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn