“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED