Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Breaking news:
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )