I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Namaste
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken