Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Dear Lord..
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
rise and shine we got egg
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?