You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”