fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Oh deer
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.