My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Today’s Times
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The pen is writier than the sword.