I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Easy enough.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?