Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
your honor my client chooses dare
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.