the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos