My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
You Might Also Like
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too