I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
So sick of all these stupid rules
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My life in a nutshell
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
We decided to have money instead of children.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.