COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Sunday
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?