Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.