Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart