It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo