If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”