the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap