Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.