If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.