Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids