Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?