Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]