[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”