If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Beware…..
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?