I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
…u ok Nintendo?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.