Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Basically.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.