Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
A double negative is a big no-no.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick