Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
You Might Also Like
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”