Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I didn’t realize that was an option
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Never forget.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.