The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers