Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
What even happened today?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Practicing safe sax
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”